I have been on this journey for a while now and some days are better than others. My bf gave me a gym membership for xmas, yes he is still living and breathing haha! I actually wanted the membership. How else am I going to get to where I want no NEED to be? I have to confess though that until about 2 weeks ago I have been wasting his money. I could not get the courage, yes courage up to go to the gym. This is strange for me because I used to be a regular at the gym, I went faithfully 5-6 times a week, did an hour of cardio and an hour of weights. I used to raise eyebrows in the good ‘ol boys club that is the free weight section because I could lift just like those good ‘ol boys in fact in most cases I could lift more. *sigh*
I have this memory of myself in great shape, friends describing me as athletic. Can you imagine? me! Athletic!!! Those memories instead of motivating me as they should contributed to this negative tape in my head playing over and over: “your too fat to do this”, ” your too out of shape to even climb the stairs to the gym”
I remember what it was like to be fit, and i know how much work i have to do to get back there and it scared me so much it took away my motivation and determination.
Then I started to feel guilty about not using my membership and wasting my bf’s hard earned dough, soooo I forced myself to get off my big butt and went to the gym. it was not pleasant but it was also not as humilitating as I had imagined. However, the next day I could not muster the determination to go again and stayed away for several days.
then I was reading a post by one of my professors and she was talking about borrowing what we need to get us to where we want to be. borrow your motivation, your determination etc.
hmmm borrow you say? Borrow I did. I borrowed from the fitness models I see in health magazines, I borrowed from the fit grrl I used to be, I borrowed from my friend in Italy who lives the life she always dreamed of. in short i borrowed from everywhere I could think of and subsequently it has brought me through the doors of that gym 4 days last week and I hope 5 this week.
Maybe by next week I won’t need to borrow, but if I do I know where to go looking.
myjourneyfromfattofit 