April 25, 2011

I’m back….kind of

Filed under: Thoughts for the day — myjourneyfromfattofit @ 2:47 pm

I have spent the last couple of weeks in a fog of pain and stress and unfortunately have allowed that to derail my goals for myself.  My boyfriend of 2 years, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with moved out on April 1st but wanted to still date.  Crazy. How do I still date someone who basically abandoned me? I have so much pain and anger over this situation I can not even sleep, nevermind eat clean and exercise.  I have spent the last year coming home to a cold miserable depressed person who makes me feel like I mean nothing.  All the while trying to support him and not have a nervous breakdown. Waiting. Hoping. holding my breath.  Please change. Please be the sweet man I fell in love with. Please dont make me hate you. I lived in hell every single day. perhaps that is my own fault. perhaps I should have given him an ultimatum, be nice or be gone.  but that is not what I did. I waited. I cried. I slept alone every night. I cursed. I screamed. I practically begged. Love me. Prove you still love me. I wrote no less than 3 break up letters and never gave them. Promises. his promises. “I will be happier” “I will show my love” false promises. empty words. now the words you speak slice through my heart like fan blades in the thick warm air. Your feelings have changed, they just aren’t the same for me. well now isn’t that just a kick in the teeth. isn’t that just the best reason ever to eat all these feelings away? no? ok how about we add the tidbit that my mother had cancer surgery again in the midst of this. how about I dont finish a major project for my degree. how about I leave in 5 days to begin an unpaid internship for 13 weeks that I have no idea how to find the money to live.

how about I just sink into the abyss and drown in chocolate, cupcakes, soda, chips, and everything else I can get my hands on…….how about I just lie here under the blankets until the world melts away…….How about I get so wasted I pass out and don’t have to deal with reality

how about I just stop. How about I wake up monday morning and let myself believe i deserve better than an infantile selfish ball of misery that couldn’t communicate like an adult if his life depended on it.  How about i deserve to be treated like I mean the world to you or you need to be gone. now. forever.  How about I shake off this funk and get back to what is important. ME. how about that.

so here I am. back again from outer space…. kind of.

 I am not better than ever – but I will be.  I decided that enough is enough – I am a strong woman and will not allow myself to be broken by anyone any longer.  I have goals, HUGE goals and this is my time to focus on those goals,to focus on mending me.

I am now back to eating clean-ish – today is my first day back and it is an adjustment – so over the next couple of days I will work to get my diet back to 100% clean and will be getting back on the exercise train.  I will begin posting some of my routines and more recipes and some tips and tricks i learn along the way.

thank you to those of you who care to read what I have to say during this journey,even when my ramblings are dark, and thank you for your patience in my recent disappearance. 

be good to you


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