March 15, 2011

I lost myself

Filed under: Thoughts for the day — Tags: , , , , — myjourneyfromfattofit @ 9:03 am

I haven’t written in a few days because I have been busy wallowing.  Last week my partner told me that he was moving out.  He is miserable and does not wish to be here anymore.  wonderful.  Our living situation is not the best nor probably the most condusive to a normal adult relationship.  You see a couple of years ago I decided I did not like my life so I chose to return to school again and get a new degree.  In that time period I also chose to live with family.  I have an apartment in the basement of my mother’s home. It works out nicely for both of us – I get cheap living quarters and mom gets help around the house when she needs it.  So my partner moved into this situation with me almost 2 years ago and has since gone from a kind, happy person to miserable and now he is leaving. fine. whatever. I was angry. We argued. He ended our relationship.  just when I am within sight of my degree and a better life he throws in the towel. I hate you. I love you. Go away now! Stay with me.

3 days without the gym. I just started back. who cares eat some chocolate.  I need to run. my body won’t carry me far enough. You step through the door I feel physical pain. Leave. just leave. go as soon as possible. oh God don’t leave. *sigh* this is hell. please please leave.

still no gym. time to wallow some more. sleep it off. sleep plays with me but wont climb in bed. get up. get wasted. comfortably numb. ahh sleep here you are I’ve missed you. climb in. wrap your arms around me.

saturday morning. the sun is shining. I feel dark like the night is still wrapped around me. shake it off. food. 2 eggs, cayan pepper, black pepper, cinamon raisin toast. Decaf vanilla hazelnut coffee. oh God thats good. thats comfort. your still asleep on the couch. seeing you makes my stomach lurch. get dressed. get out. gym. must run this out of me.

sweat dripping. heavy breathing. legs burning. this I know. This is ME. The dark begins to lift. I am free. I am FREE. I have so much good happening. How did I forget? oh you. I am no longer just an extension of you. I lost myself. You stole my me away. I am taking me back. in a few weeks I will be away from you. you can leave but I am leaving you too. internship. life goes on. MY life goes on.

talk. talk to me. talk about what you really want. listen. put away your defences. listen. really listen to what I want. not this. chaos, sadness. talk. try it again. or not. see how things go. things are going 5 hours away from you. 12 weeks without you. see if you can change in 12 weeks. I will be changed.  maybe you will join me in change. maybe you will be in the same place. I won’t be.

I found me again in the gym. I was lost. lost in school. lost in you. lost in chocolatey unhappiness. the sweat and pain led me back to ME. I will not lose me again. maybe you will stay. maybe not. but ME, I’m not going anywhere.



  1. keep your chin up bella and keep on running.

    Comment by Jennifer Avventura — March 16, 2011 @ 8:47 am

  2. Happy Frickin St. Patricks Day! Thanks for checking out Buddha & Bosley on my page. They are cuties paatooties for sho.

    Comment by Jennifer Avventura — March 17, 2011 @ 2:16 pm

  3. Good luck on your journey..the best my pain threshold will manage is a few lengths of the swimming pool..but its all down to willpower, so just go for it 🙂

    Comment by Words Asunder — March 20, 2011 @ 9:13 pm

    • yes willpower that ever elusive little tease 🙂 thanks for reading, hope you enjoy and keep coming back!

      Comment by myjourneyfromfattofit — March 20, 2011 @ 9:27 pm

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